


For Those Who Love

by byebyebyrdie



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Canon Death, Character Death, F/M, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, Illnesses, Implied Relationships, M/M, Students
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-20
Packaged: 2019-05-18 20:07:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14859419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/byebyebyrdie/pseuds/byebyebyrdie
Summary: Kanda reflects on the events of his relationships with Alma, his friends, and acquaintances."Still, I wonder if you are happy knowing that I was a slave to our past for so long. All because of you, Alma."AU





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hi friends, enjoy the intro to this story!  
> KandaxAlma, KandaxAllen, and LavixLena in future chapters. This is just the intro I'll probably post the first chapter in the next day or 2. Hopefully I'll have it done by then!
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing

_Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity._

 

I rarely revisit these things on my own accord, but I can’t delay this any longer. I’ve never been one to break my promises. And besides, how could I? Maybe because it’s for him.

I’m not sure if it’s hard for me to conjure these memories because they’re painful. Or if I’ve really forgotten due my active repression of them for the past ten years. It is said that time can heal all wounds. Time can erode even the most vivid of memories. I know because I used to remember so much more. I used to remember the clouds. The unrelenting wind. The trees and flora and fauna. The sounds of the wilderness. I used to remember his face. His voice. His laughter. I used to remember what he said to me. As time goes by the memories become more and more subdued. Each time I revisit them what used to be sharp and crisp is now blurred. What used to be trees and clouds have faded to white. The sound of his voice and our conversations have dissipated into the wind. It’s as though the flow of time has washed away the pigments of my imagination leaving only indistinct shapes and a heavy nostalgic feeling in my heart.

That feeling strikes in the early hours of the morning just as the sun peeks through my window; even though the source of my affliction is intangible, I am all but paralyzed by the weight of my guilt.

But maybe you, too, know that’s only half the story. After all, you are in the sky now. Perhaps you are privy to all my thoughts and emotions by virtue of that.

The truth is that I was motivated more by fear than by the desire to grant you your last wish. I feared the future. I feared that in relinquishing the burdens of our memories, I would lose what little of you I had to hold on to. Until now, that was something I simply could not bear. Those fragmented moments were the only parting gifts you gave me when you left and even though I knew human memory was faulty and I wouldn’t be able to remember them with clarity given this, I didn’t want to share what I believed to be ours with the rest of the world. Letting go of the guilt I have harbored for so long, the catalyst for so many of my decisions, was impossible for me to do. I did not want to neatly file your presence away into the folders of the past. 

However, as I’ve grown older and had time to reflect I’ve realized that I can no longer move forward until I let you go. If I continued like this the weight of my guilt would surely send me to where you are. 

Perhaps that is your idea of the best-case scenario. 

I hope you’ll forgive my selfishness, but I can’t grant that to you.

Still, I often wonder if you are happy knowing I was a slave to our past for so long.

All because of you, Alma.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Here's the first real chapter of the story. Hope you enjoy!

 

In retrospect, I should have known that our friendship would be to my detriment. I never thought that much as a child. No child does. Childhood was the only stage in my life that I felt neither fear for the future nor regret from the past. I was simply and fatally unaware of the realities of existing in this world.

* * *

 

I was diagnosed with a form of leukemia that required ongoing, long term care. Due to the treatment intensive nature of the illness, it was necessary that I reside at the Center to allow physicians to continually monitor my progress. I spent the better part of my adolescence at a specialized inpatient treatment center for children with leukemia in upstate New York. The facility was tucked away in a remote location to better provide individualized care and support for the children. Even though the location of the Center was meant to provide a more natural and familiar setting, I never felt at peace or at home there. And despite being surrounded by nature, the Center was still an undeniably sterile and inorganic place.

It was there I learned the meaning of disappointment, frustration, and hopelessness. But most importantly, it was there that I met Alma.

Our first encounter was chance. When I was admitted, my illness had already become quite advanced and aggressive treatment was necessary. Because of this, the initial weeks of my stay at the Center I was too fatigued from my treatment to function on my own. I couldn’t eat solid food and had to receive my nutrients intravenously to prevent the possibility of asphyxiating on my own vomit. In my conscious moments, I was in excruciating pain. You can’t imagine how I suffered. I can recall some reoccurring voices. I could not identify the source of the voice nor see clearly who the voice belonged to. The indistinct shapes and sounds were suspended in a murky pool, occasionally rising to the surface, only to sink back into the haze. To me, this period of paralysis, of phasing in and out of consciousness, felt like an eternity. But as my body became accustomed to treatment, I slowly regained my ability to speak and move. I met the people to whom the voices belonged (Doctor Edgar, Doctor Tui, and the nurse, Fo). My mind slowly stitched together the few pieces of the past few weeks I could recover.

* * *

 

Alma was the first patient I met after I regained mobility. He entered my room one evening while I was examining a newly fallen maple leaf I pressed between two books.

“Hey, Yu!”

Startled, I jumped up out of my seat, subsequently falling as my legs were not yet strong enough to handle such abrupt movements. The leaf fluttered to the ground, out of my reach.

“Woah!” He scurried to my side. “I didn’t mean to startle you!”  

“Get away!” I glared at him from the ground. “I can do it myself.”

He retreated a few feet.

“Who the hell are you?” Gripping the armchair, I pulled myself up. “How do you know my name?”

“You don’t remember me? I’m Alma! Dr. Edgar said I could come in because you are better now. I wanted to say hi!” He smiled brightly, inching closer to me.

“I’m so happy that you woke up! We’re the same, you and me. Dr. Edgar said you’ll be here for a while too…So let’s be friends!” He stuck his hand out as an introductory gesture. His smile never faltered. The cheerful energy radiating from his presence felt almost oppressive. I was immediately filled with contempt toward this person. How dare he compare himself to me? His carefree attitude was proof that he hadn’t experienced anything close to the pain I endured. He didn’t know anything about me.

“I don’t want to be friends with you.”

“Huh?” I guess that wasn’t the response he was expecting. “Why n-“

“Get out of my room!”

“Why don’t you want to be friends?”

“Get. Out. Of. My. Room.” I hissed through clenched teeth. When he didn’t make a move to leave I mustered all my energy and shoved him away from me. “Get out!” Alma bumped into my bedside tray, causing the metal stand and all the instruments on it to fall with a clatter.

Doctor Edgar must have heard the commotion because he rushed into the room shortly after. “What’s going on? Is anyone hurt?” He looked at Alma and then at me. I don’t know why Alma’s eyes filled with tears. He rushed out the door. The leaf I dropped during the initial commotion crunched under his feet. Doctor Edgar followed behind him. I heard him ask, “What’s wrong Alma?” and I heard Alma wail, “Yu doesn’t want to be my friend!” followed by, “Even though we’re the same!” Doctor Edgar quietly consoled the boy.

Oh, how he disgusted me.

When I could no longer hear their voices, I crouched down and tried to salvage my crushed leaf. I remembered hearing his voice before.    

_But I am NOTHING like you._

* * *

 

I noticed that the other children who came to the Center stayed for only very short periods of time. The interaction I had with the other children was limited to seeing their faces when they came or went. I didn’t know why Alma and I were the only ones who were here for so long. I once asked Doctor Tui and she said, “You two are different from the others”. I didn’t think about it extensively after that. Besides, I had no desire to meet the other children anyway.

* * *

 

As autumn turned to winter, my treatment sessions were reduced from every day to every other day. After each session I continued to suffer from the usual side effects, but I slowly grew used to them and the pain, nausea, and fatigue simply became another part of my daily life. I became used to being pricked and poked and prodded. I became used to cleaning my IV implants and having my vitals checked every 4 hours even through the night. What used to make me gag (feeding tubes) became bearable. I became used to the stinging soreness in my muscles from repeated injections. If it meant I was no longer bedridden, and my nausea had subsided to the point where I could eat solid foods without my body immediately and violently evacuating its contents, I was content.  

Similarly, I became accustomed to my encounters with Alma and his continued attempts to befriend me. His zest for life bewildered me. I didn’t understand why he was so keen on becoming my friend. I didn’t understand how he seemed to be completely unaware (or perhaps willfully ignorant?) of his situation. If he was here he must have been a patient too. So how could he act so carefree? Did he not wake up every morning with the threat of his mortality staring him in the face?

Doctor Edgar and Doctor Tui berated me for rebuking him but I couldn’t help but feel irritated every time I was in his presence. He embodied everything I despised. He was loud, brash, and cloyingly optimistic. Plus, he cried all the time. I hated watching people cry. It’s not like I was consumed with self-loathing my every waking moment, but rather too aware of the fragility of my life. The thought that my survival depended on continually poisoning of my body felt like sick irony. On one hand I truly believed someone like me was not meant to exist. But on the other, I feared letting everything go. I was terrified of ceasing to exist. I was terrified of the idea of nothingness. It was enough to make torturing myself worth it.

I was too proud to live but too cowardly to die.

So, I cursed him. I cursed his resilience. I cursed his optimism. Most of all, I cursed his ability to be honest with himself.

* * *

 

I spent my time between treatments reading books and tending the garden in the atrium. Sometimes, when the weather was nice, I would read there as well. The atrium was covered by a glass ceiling that allowed the atrium to maintain a nice temperature even if it was freezing outside.

One sunny afternoon I went to the atrium to read and noticed Alma was already sitting there. I wasn’t in the mood to have an altercation (I never was) so I turned to go back inside.

It was too late, Alma had already noticed me.

“Oh! Yu!”

“Don’t talk to me, creep!”

“Did you want to come sit here too?” He patted the place on the bench next to him.

“Not anymore!”

I heard his footsteps quickly approaching and turned to face him. His face was contorted in a way I had never seen before. “What’s your problem? Why are you such a jerk all the time?”

“I don’t have a problem. Mind your own damn business.”

“You’re always acting like you’re _so tough._ But guess what? It’s easy to act like you don’t care.”

I tried to walk away but he grabbed my arm. I tried to shake him free, but I was still quite weak from my treatment this morning. “Let go.”

“No!” His grip tightened. “I know you’re acting the way you are because you’re scared. I can tell that you’re scared!”

“Shut the fuck up. You don’t know anything about me.” My arm throbbed in pain. I could feel my implant jabbing into my muscle.

“You’re a coward, Yu!” Alma’s eyes seemed to burn. I glared back at him. “It’s hard to tell someone you care! I know you care a lot! But you’re too scared to do anything about it!” This would be the first and only time I saw him angry.

His voice softened, and he loosened his grip. “You don’t have to be afraid you know?”

“What the fuck do you think you know about me?” I jerked my arm away from him. “You don’t know anything. You don’t know what I’ve been through or-“

“But I do know! I know!” He rolled up his sleeves. His arms were black and blue and purple. An implanted IV tube was taped to the crook of his elbow just like mine. “I’m just like you. See?” He pulled down the collar of his shirt to reveal another tube implanted in his chest. “We’re the same.”

I stared at him. I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t say anything. I finally understood what he meant.

“I was so happy when I heard about you. I was so excited to finally have someone who would understand.”

We stood in silence. The air was motionless, and we blanketed in the warmth of the sun shining through the glass panes.

I looked at his face. His cheeks were still red with emotion. His breath was slightly wheezy. I couldn’t help but laugh at his impassioned expression. His face grew redder and redder.

“Alma.” I wiped my eyes. “You’re right.”

“Huh?”

“I care a whole goddamn bunch.”

 “Really?” His expression changed to a beaming smile.

“And you know what else?” I took a deep breath. “I really want to live.”

* * *

 

Both Alma and I were invited to stay the Center because of our leukemia. Our illness was rare and mortality was very high. Due to this combination of factors research opportunities are extremely limited. Edgar and Tui previously received many accolades for their research in this field and were able to fund their research by grants and the occasional inpatient requiring specialized treatments. Their focus, however, was understanding the disease both Alma and I had. After months of testing different combinations of treatments, Edgar and Tui determined that the best course of action would be a highly risky but potentially curative surgical bone marrow transplant.

We received the transplants on the same day.

In the months following the surgery, there was rapid improvement in my condition. My body responded well to the transplants and while I continued to stay at the Center for monitoring purposes, I had all but recovered. I would stay at the Center for slightly over three years. I watched the leaves turn orange with Alma for three years. Edgar and Tui determined it would be appropriate for me to be transferred to an outpatient facility in the city where I would stay with one of their associates for additional monitoring. My improved condition allowed for less aggressive treatment and although some degree of monitoring was necessary to maintain stability, I no longer needed the level of treatment I used to need.

I moved to Manhattan and stayed with a man named Tiedoll. He was a professor and fellow researcher of Edgar and Tui. I didn’t mind living with Tiedoll and Manhattan was okay, but I constantly thought about Alma. I enrolled in a prep school, this would be the first time in my entire life I experienced a traditional school environment. I found it incredibly difficult to integrate into school life. What was difficult for me was not the coursework but interacting with my peers. I didn’t know how to relate to them and I didn’t want to. It wasn’t that people didn’t talk to me, they did. I just found interactions with them to be so goddamn bland and distasteful and lacking in purity and wholeheartedness that I found myself inadvertently pushing them away. I knew that if it were Alma, he would have had no problems at all making friends and adjusting to school life.

Tiedoll asked me whether I had made any friends a few weeks into the fall semester and grew extremely concerned when I told him I hadn’t found anyone I connected with. He said that the friends I make in high school will be my friends for life. I wasn’t sure what he meant by that because I would only be there for another two years. He asked me if I had any interests. Sports? Arts? I had never thought about my interests or things I liked to do. I supposed that I enjoyed reading books. I didn’t know if that’s something I would classify as an “interest” per se. Truthfully, I was perfectly content with the way things were but per his insistence I joined the lacrosse team.

Alma had a slower recovery due to some complications from his surgery. His condition appeared to improve. We were optimistic. Tui arranged for Alma to transfer to Manhattan a few months after I did. Edgar and Tui were pleased with their findings for the transplants. They planned to take an auxiliary role in monitoring our progress in the future and sought to bring in new patients for further testing. I had so many things I wanted to tell Alma. I wanted to tell him about the drudgery of school life, about joining the lacrosse team, about being surrounded by disdainful people. But, the thing about cancer and treatment is that appearances are a big fucking joke.

A week before we were to pick up Alma from the Center, Alma’s body suddenly and unexpectedly rejected the transplant.

Seemingly in an instant, everything came crashing down.

Alma’s rapid descent caused the Changs to place him in a medically induced coma. They hoped that in doing this he could, at the very least, remain stable.

Over my winter break I went to the Center to visit him. Seeing him in that state, connected to different machines to regulate every function of his body, caused me insurmountable sorrow. His body was cold to the touch. I wondered if he was dreaming right now. And if he was, I hoped that his dream was a happy one. I asked Doctor Edgar how long they planned on keeping him in a coma, he assured me that they would keep him alive for as long as necessary. When I asked him how long that would be he took my hand and wept.

* * *

 

Throughout the remainder of my high school years there was not a single day I didn’t think about Alma. I wrote letters to Doctor Edgar and Doctor Tui to ask about his condition frequently. At first, they were very quick to respond, as time went on their letters became fewer and farther in between. I went upstate to visit Alma and the Center during my breaks from school, but nothing ever changed. Eventually, I stopped writing letters to them and I stopped visiting. There were a few occasions where I received letters from them asking about my condition, but I never responded. I knew they were in correspondence with Tiedoll so I didn’t think it was necessary for me to reply.

I decided to stay in the city for college and was (conveniently) admitted to the university where Tiedoll taught on a lacrosse scholarship. I had never intended for lacrosse to become something I practiced with any seriousness. Tiedoll and my teammates insisted that I was an excellent player and asked that I stay for the sake of the team. I didn’t care about the team one way or the other but had nothing better to do so I continued playing. I figured that this would be a better way to waste time than wallowing in self-loathing over Alma.

I frequently asked myself why I was cured but Alma was not. I felt responsible in some way. As if the success of my treatment somehow caused his to fail. Like some kind of fucked up karma. I don’t believe in God. Still, I occasionally pray to Buddha or Allah or Jesus or whoever the hell lives up there and will listen to me and ask them why things turned out the way they did. Maybe the real answer is that this was just all by chance. I just got the lucky random draw. It was hard for me to accept this because I desperately wanted to hear that there was some way I could change the outcome. I wanted to know there was some way I could fix Alma.

No one ever responded to my prayers.

* * *

 

I started college two years after I left Alma. I watched the leaves turn orange by myself for two years. I wasn’t looking, but I couldn’t help but notice them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be the first part of many parts about college life  
> also i know i went kind of quickly through the high school stuff. there wasn't anything notable to include in that part so i just kind of glossed over it  
> anyway, thanks for reading! see you next chapter!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanda starts his first semester at university and meets The Monk (Link), Lavi, and Allen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry for the delay. Enjoy!

 

* * *

 

It was customary for first year athletes to all live in the same building. I suppose it was intended to build camaraderie between teammates. Ironically, I didn’t share a suite with a member of the lacrosse team, I shared a suite with a member of the rugby team. We each had separate rooms but shared a kitchen and bathroom. His name was Howard Link. I found his appearance quite unconventional. He wore his hair in a long braid and had two very symmetrical moles down the middle of his forehead. Neither of us were particularly interested in the other but we exchanged formalities as people do when they first meet.

“I am studying history.” He stood in a very rigid way, spine very straight, shoulders back, chin up, as if he were in the army.

I nodded in acknowledgement.

“And you?”

“I don’t know what I want to study yet.”

He looked at me. “I see, well, I just ask that you please keep the common areas tidy. Please keep the sink empty and wash your dishes, pots, and pans as soon as you use them. Also, how would you like to split the storage spaces in the fridge and common areas? I have stored a few of my things in one of the kitchen cabinets already so, if you do not mind, I will use the cabinets on that side. We can split the fridge in half. Does that work for you?”

My immediate impression of him reminded me of prep school. “I don’t really care.”

“Also, in the bathroom, there are two towel racks, you can pick which one you like. There is additional storage for small toiletries behind the mirror. I was thinking we could split that in half as well.”

“Sure.” I picked up my bag from the floor. 

“Please make sure you clean your hair out of the drain after showering.”

“Okay.”

“Because you have long hair.”

“Right.” This was a bit irritating. I had my own bathroom when living with Tiedoll and at the Center and was unaccustomed to dealing with other people telling me what to do.

“As for cleaning the bathroom, I propose we alternate each week. One last thing.”

“Hm.”

“I am an early riser and I pray every morning. I hope that does not cause too much of a disturbance for you.”

He didn’t sound like he was willing to compromise in any way, so I just shrugged in acceptance. To this day I don’t understand why he was so paranoid about cleanliness when we had housekeepers come and clean the apartment twice a week. The student athlete life was a very cushy one.

If you couldn’t tell already, Link was an incredibly devout catholic. He stuck to his word about rising early and praying every single morning. I was often awoken by the sound of his chanting. I didn’t mind it too much because it served as my alarm most mornings. I happened to see the inside his room once by accident. The walls were entirely covered in religious iconography. There was also a small shrine of Mother Mary in the corner. Although I found it strange, I wasn’t entirely surprised. If anyone had a shrine of Mary in their room, it would be Link.  

I didn’t really speak to him for the rest of the semester after our initial conversation. Our interactions were limited to greeting each other if we crossed paths in the hallway or at the dining hall. I wasn’t avoiding him; our schedules just didn’t match up.

* * *

 

As a student athlete, I had the pleasure of spending multiple days a week at practice. Our regular season was in the spring semester, but we still had regular practices in the fall. I was one of the two first year students recruited to play as attackmen. Because we would need to be closely in tune with each other during games, the two of us spent the most time together during practice. The coach was a man by the name of Marie. Supposedly, he was the star of the lacrosse team some years in the past, played for a professional team once he graduated, and retired to coach collegiate lacrosse. For a coach of the men’s lacrosse team, he used relatively few profanities and stayed away from calling us derogatory names. 

Marie blew his whistle. “Listen up kids! We’re going to split up and do some drills. Lavi and Kanda, you two will be paired together.”

Our warm up consisted of running two miles and a series of other light exercises. I was very sedentary over the summer and the two-mile run took quite a toll on me. I sat down on the field to rest for a moment. A red-headed boy approached me.

“Lavi!” He thrust a gloved hand at my face.

“Kanda.”

He sat down on the field next to me. “Nice to meet you! I’ve heard you’re a strong shooter! Where are you from?”

“Here.”

“Lucky! Wow! I’m from the Midwest. You wouldn’t believe how much it sucks out there. You’re so lucky you grew up in a cool place like New York! The girls here are way hotter.” He smacked me on the back.

“Che! Don’t touch me.” I snapped.

He laughed heartily. “Come on, Kanda! Relax! We’re gonna be buddies from here on out, okay?”

Lavi was charismatic, talkative, and good-looking. He had a way of talking that made you want to listen to what he was saying. Maybe it was because he always sounded like he knew what he was talking about. He was exactly the kind of person who was cut out to be a leader and the complete opposite of me. Lavi was here to study philosophy and history. Since we were both athletes, our classes are schedule around practice time and consequently had many classes together. On top of that, he occasionally came to the library with me after practice. We spent a lot of time together our first year. When I told him about my roommate he dubbed Link “The Monk”. The nickname stuck and I continued to update him about Link’s unusual living habits.  

“I think everyone should read Satre you know?”

“Hm.” I was reading engrossed in a Hermann Hesse novel for my philosophy class and not really paying attention to what he was saying. 

“It’s not very fashionable, but people constantly complain about decisions that they have control over. I just think it’s kind of stupid.” He flipped through the pages of the book he was looking at before tossing it onto the table. “People are kind of stupid.” He turned to look at me. “Hesse? That’s pretty cool.”  

“Hm.”

“You’re a man of taste.”

“Hm.”

He stood up and inspected the books on the shelves. We were in the modernist philosophy section. It was silent for a moment. Lavi returned with another Satre book and sat down, flipping through the pages for another few minutes.   

“Hey…” He rubbed his chin. “How many girls have you slept with?”

I looked up from my book. “What the hell does that have to do with anything, idiot?”

“Jeez, calm down. I’m just wondering.”

I wasn’t sure if I was feeling contempt or embarrassment. “Leave me alone.” I turned away from him and pretended to focus on my book. I had never actively _tried_ to lose my virginity. If anything, I actively tried to avoid speaking to most people. Lavi was obviously the complete opposite.

“Come on, Kanda! Just tell me. It’s not a big deal.”

“Shut up.” Lavi sniggered.

“Yuu. Just _tell me._ I won’t judge you. I promise.”

“Fine. You really want to know?”

He nodded his head vigorously.

“None.”

“No way! You’re a virgin?”

“Keep your voice down, dumbass. We’re in a library.”

He told me he could fix that.

“Girls are _so_ easy. All you have to do is go up to them and say something pretentious. They love that shit.”

After some cajoling I agreed to go out with him that weekend. He insisted that we meet beforehand so we can drink before we go. I didn’t even have to ask Link to know that he wouldn’t take kindly to underage drinking. We met in Lavi’s room.

“Settle in wherever.” Lavi’s room had a different configuration than mine. His room was essentially an apartment. The front door opened to a stairwell leading to the living room which had a connected kitchen. I noticed there were two bedrooms, but it didn’t seem like the other one was occupied.

“You don’t have any roommates?”

“Nope. You think I could bring a girl back here with a roommate?” Lavi went into the kitchen and came back with a bottle of orange juice in one hand and a jug of clear liquid in the other. I had never thought about that before. Bringing girls back to your room or going over to their place or just the general logistics of what happens after “going out” had never crossed my mind once in my entire life. Further, I had never even tasted alcohol. Lavi went back and retrieved two glasses and poured them half full of orange juice and half full of the clear liquid. He took a tentative sip before passing a glass to me. “Here, I made it nice and strong just for ya!”

The concoction smelled poisonous, but I took a large mouthful. The liquid collided with my taste buds. I felt as though my mouth, throat, and nose were simultaneously on fire. I forced myself to swallow. “Ugh. This-” I sputtered. “Disgusting. What’s in this?”

“Huh?” Lavi looked at me as if I were a child. “It’s vodka and orange juice, man. It’s good vodka. See?” He showed me the label. “Belvedere. You think I’d serve you Taaka or something? I don’t cheap out when it comes to liquor.”

I didn’t know what either of those brands were but if “taaka” was worse than “belvedere” I never wanted to set foot in any establishment that allowed such a thing to be vended.

“Alright! Let’s chug! To Yu getting laid!” He knocked his glass against mine, slammed it against the table, and downed the entire contents of his cup in five seconds flat.

We had a few more drinks and I have no memory of what happened after that. I don’t even remember leaving his apartment. The next thing I remembered was Lavi shaking me awake. There was an unmistakable body next to me.

“Psst, wanna switch?”

I felt like shit. I rubbed my eyes and saw his face very close to mine. There was a girl standing in the doorway. I registered that we had returned to his dorm room and I was currently occupying the spare bedroom.

“Let’s switch. I feel kind of bad for making you take the ugly one.” Lavi whispered.

“Um.”

He shook the girl next to me awake. I didn’t hear what he whispered to her, but she got up and went with him. I heard the click of the door shut. The girl in the doorway approached me. She had a pretty face. She sat at the foot of the bed.

“Do you, um,” She fidgeted. “Do you want to have sex?” 

I had no idea what to say to her. I didn’t remember meeting her or the girl I assume I had sex with.

“Honestly, not really.”

We could both hear the sound of a bed knocking against the adjacent wall. 

She laughed nervously. “This is a little awkward, huh?”

“Yes, a bit.”

“Do you remember anything? You were pretty drunk.”

“No,” I sat up and rubbed my temples. “What time is it?”

“It’s 3 in the morning.”

“Lavi… I’ll kill him.” I pulled on my underwear and pants. We sat in silence.

 “So…you’re a student here?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s cool. I’m at NYU.”

“Hm.”

“What are you studying?”

“Haven’t decided yet.”

She was wrapped in a sheet. I averted my eyes from her body. “Where are your clothes?”

“Oh, they’re in his room.”

“I see.”

“Want me to go get them for you?”

“That would be cool, thanks.”

I tied my hair up and walked to Lavi’s room. Through the large window in the living room I could see the bright city lights. Manhattan, truly, was the city that never sleeps. I knocked on Lavi’s door. “Oi, I’m coming in.”

Lavi peeked up from under the covers when I opened the door. “Hey, I’m in the middle of something here.” The girl yelped.

“I’m just getting her clothes.” I picked up the dress she described and left.

We sat in the living room together. Neither of us said anything. There was nothing to say. About an hour later, Lavi and the other girl emerged from his room. She was fully clothed. The four of us waited together for the subway to start running at six. I observed the full extent of Lavi’s charm. He was an expert at this. I could understand why girls were enamored with him. I didn’t tell him, but I found his skill to be quite admirable at the time. It wasn’t a skill I cared to acquire but I had to admit that it was impressive. Further, I was just relieved that he was so talkative because that way I didn’t have to say anything.

After the two girls left Lavi asked me how everything was. I couldn’t remember much but I told him it was probably fine. He was disappointed I couldn’t handle my liquor better and promised he would “make a man out of me” as soon as possible. I threw up so many times that morning I lost count. It was a miserable existence. I felt like I was reliving my childhood. The worst thing was that I didn’t even remember what happened.

* * *

 

The only class I didn’t have with Lavi was philosophy. My philosophy class took place in the mornings. I usually went to lunch in the dining hall afterwards before my history class in the afternoon. It was imperative I have lunch because there was no time to eat between my afternoon class and practice. The lunch options that day weren’t very appealing. After some deliberation, I decided to have a turkey sandwich with sweet potato fries. The tomato was dry, and my fries turned up soggy. I had no choice, there was practice this evening, so I had to eat something.

I looked up when I noticed someone approaching my table. It was a white-haired boy with a tray of food in his hand. He looked familiar.

“Hey, Kanda, right? Is this seat taken?” Before I had the chance to respond he plopped down into the chair and began to eat.

“You are?”

“We have philosophy together, dummy!” A bit of food flew out of his mouth onto my plate. I grimaced. “Oops! Sorry!” He reached to wipe it with his napkin.

“Don’t.” I glared at him. He shrugged and continued to eat.

“Allen! We worked on a paper together.”

I remembered him. He wrote our paper because practice was particularly grueling that week and I had completely forgotten about it.

“And?”

“Well,” Still chewing. “I missed class the other day-“

“Ugh. Could you close your fucking mouth when you chew? It’s disgusting.”

“Oh, oops.” He covered his mouth with his hand. “I was wondering if I could borrow your notes. I think it’s only fair, you know, since the paper thing?”

“Che.” I didn’t like being indebted to anyone. I dug my notebook out of my backpack and gave it to him. He set his knife down and happily took it. “Just give them back to me tomorrow.”

He swallowed. “Perfect! You bet! Thanks, Kanda.”

I continued to eat my sandwich.

“Say, how come you always eat alone?”

“I don’t really care about eating with people that much.”

“Mealtimes are super important for social interaction you know!” He pointed a finger at me. “Without sufficient social interaction you’ll go crazy.”

I finished off my sandwich and haphazardly dumped the rest of the soggy fries in my mouth. “I don’t have time to be lectured by a beansprout. Bring my notes back tomorrow.”

“Hey! Who’re you calling a beansprout!”

“Whatever. Later. Don’t forget to give me my notes back.”

The next day he showed up at my table again. “You eat lunch at the same time every day?” He rifled in his bag and gave me my notes. I snatched them from his hand.

“What of it?”

“It’s just really predictable I guess.” He giggled to himself. “I didn’t think a cool student athlete would do something so uncool like having a schedule and eating alone. Don’t you guys just party and try to have sex with as many girls as you can every night?”

“What do you want?”

“I’m allowed to sit here aren’t I? It’s a free country.” He began cutting up his steak. “Besides, I felt sorry for you. Eating alone and stuff.”

“Che.”

Allen had taken our one-time lunch as an invitation to eat lunch with me after philosophy class. I didn’t care enough to keep telling him to leave me alone. He was really damn persistent. After a while I got used to it. At least he started chewing with his mouth closed.

“What’s your favorite food?”

“Soba.”

“What’s soba?”

I sighed. “It’s a type of noodle.”

“Oh.” Allen looked up in thought. “Sounds cool.”

“Why?”

“Just wondering.”

* * *

 

Tiedoll called a few weeks into the semester to tell me that Edgar and Tui requested I go upstate to visit over the weekend. He said there were improvements to Alma’s condition, so I booked my bus ticket to go up first thing Saturday morning. It was October and the leaves had just begun to turn orange. Upstate New York in autumn was beautiful. I can remember the bus ride vividly to this day. I had taken it many times before during my high school years. My stop was the last one on the route. Once I got off the bus I had to walk half a mile to reach the Center. The sky was clear, and the air was crisp that day. When I arrived at the Center, Tui and Edgar were waiting for me at the gate.

“It’s so good to see you Kanda!” Edgar gave me a hug.

“Have you been well?” Tui patted my shoulder.

“Well enough.”

“How are you enjoying university?” We made our way up the dirt path. The white building slowly came into view.

“Well enough.”

“Still not a man of many words, hm, Kanda? You haven’t changed at all!” I could hear the smile in Edgar’s voice.

“Che.”

The building looked the same. The medicinal scent inside brought back a flood of indistinct memories. The atrium looked exactly the same although the two trees had grown much bigger. Tui led me toward Alma’s room as if I didn’t remember.

We stopped at his door.

“You know Alma woke up.”

“Alma woke up?” Curse Tiedoll for withholding this “minor” detail.

“Yes, last week.” Tui put her hand on the doorknob. “We sent for you when he woke up, but I suppose or communication was a bit delayed. He’s a bit confused but it’s only natural. Just as a warning, he is very weak at the moment. Much of his muscle mass has atrophied. His appearance may be a bit startling, but I assure you he is in good health, the cancer is completely gone.”

I felt a weight lift. It was the best news I had received in years. I took a deep breath.

“I’m sure Alma will be very happy to see you.” Tui said gently as she opened the door.

There was Alma. Awake, sitting up. His hair was long. He looked emaciated. But he was alive. His eyes filled with tears.

“Yuu? Is that you?” His voice sounded as I remembered it.

I rushed to his side and clutched his hand. It was warm. “You’re awake.” I drew him to my chest.

He clung to my shirt. I could feel his tears drenching my shirt. “Where have you been? It’s been so…scary. Here. Without you.”

“It’s only been a week, stupid.”

I told Alma about everything I’d been up to since I’d left. He really liked the stories about “The Monk”. He said I should be nicer to Link because he’s probably a good guy, just misunderstood. Alma seemed to be happy that I had made friends at school, but I also sensed a tinge of jealousy in his voice.

I took Monday off to stay with Alma a bit longer before going back.

“It sounds fun.”

“Hm?”

“Going to school.”

“It’s okay. I think you would’ve been better at it than I am though. You’re much better at making friends.”

“I wish I could go to school.” He turned his head away from me. “I hate that I can’t do anything. I can’t go outside. I’m stuck here. Sometimes I think it’s better if I just died.” I could hear him sniffling.

“You get to do fun things. I want to do fun things too. I hate being stuck here.”

I tried to take his hand but he pulled away.

“I’m really miserable here.”

I wished I could help him. My heart hurt. I would do anything in the entire world to give him what he wanted. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything. It made me hate myself too. “I know.”

“No you don’t.” He sobbed.

All the guilt pent up inside my heart rushed out all at once. “Alma…that’s…not fair. I didn’t choose this. I care about you more than anyone. If it were me I would’ve wanted you to be the one to get better.”

He twisted his head to look at me. “If you really cared about me, you wouldn’t have left me here by myself.”

“I’m sorry, Alma.”

He looked away and sniffled some more.

“Yuu, I’m sorry. That wasn’t nice of me.”

“It’s ok, Alma. I don't mind.”

“I was just jealous.”

“I know.”

“You’ll come back soon right?”

“As soon as I possibly can.”

He smiled. “Okay! It’s a promise.”

I left that evening with a pit in my stomach. I had no idea what to do. I didn’t want to leave and go back to school. Nothing seemed worth leaving Alma in such a fragile emotional state. I knew I had to go. Alma cheered up a bit when I promised Alma I would come back during winter break. I told him I would write him every single week and tell him about everything that was happening in my life. The bus ride back to the city felt like an eternity. I had left a fairytale land and had to face reality again. Seeing school again made me feel incredibly guilty. _Why me?_ I had asked myself incessantly. _Why me?_ I’m wretched. I didn’t deserve this life. I always, always, felt that it should have been Alma that got better. Not me. I know Alma only said those things because he was frustrated. But it echoed the very thoughts I had in my heart all along.

I didn’t have the energy to go to class or practice on Tuesday. Lavi came to visit me after practice and offered to go out with me.

“You seem even more gloomy than usual!” He was still dressed in his jersey and had his lacrosse stick in hand. “Let’s get wasted! That’ll solve all your problems. I promise. It’s about a girl isn’t it?”

“Get out of here.” I grumbled.

He seemed to sense that I wasn’t in the mood to entertain him. “Well, call me if you feel better.” He patted me on the back and left.

I didn’t want to get laid. I didn’t want to go out.  

I just wanted to think about Alma.

* * *

 

Allen approached me as soon as I walked into the classroom. “Hey, where were you on Monday?”

“None of your business.”

“I came by your place. Your weird roommate said you’d gone out of town to visit a friend.”

“Yeah.”

“Were you visiting your girlfriend?”

“It’s none of your damn business.”

“Okay, whatever, well I just wanted to give this to you.” He produced a box of dried soba noodles.  

The gesture surprised me. “What’s this for?”

“Just as thanks for the notes. You saved me.”

I raised an eyebrow. That lecture wasn’t extremely important. I wasn’t sure what he was trying to get at but if I accepted this gift I would be indebted to him again. “Don’t worry about it. It’s nothing.”

He thrust the box into my hands. “Come on just take it. Don’t be a jerk. If you don’t take them I’m just going to throw them away. So, take it.”

“Ugh. You’re annoying.” I took the noodles. “What do you want from me?”

“It’s just a _friendly gesture_. People do things to be _nice_ sometimes. You should try it.” I looked at him in bewilderment. “Seriously, you’re such a jerk.” He huffed and returned to his seat.

Something felt weird about our interaction, but class was about to start, and I quickly forgot about it. I put the noodles in my backpack. I didn’t really get it, but I supposed it was nice of him. In a strange continuation of events, Allen didn’t eat lunch with me that day. He hurried somewhere as soon as class was over. Even though I felt relieved to be able to have lunch in peace for once, I couldn’t help but wonder if something was wrong with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Drop a comment if you'd like.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanda meets Lenalee and Allen's dad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> long long chapter!

* * *

 

I couldn’t help but feel that Allen was avoiding me. He didn’t try to talk to me during class and he didn’t have lunch with me afterwards either. If I tried to make eye contact with him in class he would immediately look away. I wasn’t sure how to feel about this. Then practice and finals occupied most of my time and energy and the matter completely escaped me. As for Lavi, I noticed that I had never seen Lavi study. He accompanied me to the library as finals week approached. I had two term papers due within the next week and I hadn’t even started working on them. Our season was drawing closer, Marie had been particularly hard on us lately.

Lavi fooled around in the library, making all kinds of racket.

“Oi, do you mind shutting the fuck up before Hevlaska comes and kicks us out?”

“Oh, sorry!” He came back to my table and started flipping through a book. The cover was in Russian. “I’m trying to learn Russian right now. I want to read Tolstoy’s works in the original text. So much is lost in translation, you know?” 

I sighed. I wasn’t getting anything done with him here. “Don’t you ever study?”

“Me? Nah.”

I looked at him skeptically. I saw his midterm scores this semester. He consistently made perfect or near-perfect scores. “How do you do well in your classes?”

“Photographic memory.”

“Che.”

“Seriously! Here try me. I’ll recite something from your text book.”

I was currently studying for biology. I looked through my book for a page with lots of words on it. “This page.”

He scanned the page and handed the book back to me. “Alright, let me know when you’re ready.”

“Che. Just go, asshole.”

He began to recite the textbook word for word. I was in awe. Lavi had to have been gifted in some unfathomable way. I had no idea he was this talented.

“Okay, okay, I believe you.”  I stopped him halfway through.

“Yeah. It’s pretty wild.”

“Are you some kind of genius or something.”

“I dunno. I don’t think so. Maybe other people think so.” Lavi shrugged. “It’s just something I know how to do, that’s all. You can learn to do anything. Besides, my gramps is way better than I am. He’s got damn near the entire history of the entire world memorized. There isn’t anything he doesn’t know.”

“Still, it’s really impressive. You are truly ivy league material.”

“Are you complimenting me?” Lavi’s eyes widened. “The great, Kanda Yu, has paid me, a lowly patrician, a compliment! I will cherish this day to my grave, my lord.”

“Che. Piss off. If you’re not going to study, go home. Unlike you, I actually have to work for my grades.”

“Hey, hey, don’t be so hostile. I have a couple papers I need to write too.” Lavi pulled a notebook out of his backpack.

I found my mind wandering back to what Alma had said to me the last time I saw him.

_“Sometimes I think it’s better if I just died.”_

Out of my own selfishness, I wondered if it would be possible for Alma to come to Manhattan now that he was free of cancer. There would be plenty of doctors he could see for physical therapy. Why didn’t Tui and Edgar want him to leave? I didn’t know why. I would be back in less than three weeks. I would ask them then. It would be good for Alma to come live in Manhattan. He would love the liveliness of the city. Tiedoll would be happy to have some company too. Plus, I would get to see him all the time. I sighed. It’s just he’s so fragile. As of right now, this was all just a dream. Instead of writing my paper about human nature for my philosophy class, I started a letter to Alma.

_Sorry for the lack of letters on my part. Practice and finals have been tough on me. I hope you are enjoying the winter weather and I hope you have been able to sit in the atrium and watch the snow from the sun roof. I remember how much you loved that in the past. I should be working on a paper about human nature for my philosophy class, but here I am, writing a letter to you instead._

_I was thinking that maybe when I come visit over my break we can convince Doctor Tui and Doctor Edgar to let you move to Manhattan. I think you would like it here. There are so many things to see and do and there are so many people everywhere. You would make so many friends. I know it. I don’t think you could stay with me, but you could definitely stay with Tiedoll. I forget you’ve never met Tiedoll either. He’s a great man. I would never tell him because it would get to his head and he would never let it go. But he is a great man._

_Everything is going well here. The Monk is still as devout as ever. I really have to thank him at the end of the year because if it weren’t for him I would never make it to my morning classes on time. I found out that Lavi has a photographic memory, he’s basically a genius. That’s the guy I told you about who I went drinking with. I hope you can meet him one day too. I think you would really like him._

I paused. Lavi was scribbling away intently in his notebook. The letter was getting kind of long.

_I met a guy that reminded me of you. His name is Allen. He’s kind of weird too but I think you would like him as well. He gave me soba noodles as thanks for some notes I lent him._

_The spring semester is when our formal lacrosse season starts. Our first game is against Cornell. I’m certain we can beat them. Maybe I’ll take a few days off after the game to come visit you since Cornell is so close to where you are. Although, now that I’m thinking about it, I’m not sure if Marie will let me. If I can I will see you._

_Kanda_

Hevlaska kicked us out around midnight. Since finals week hadn’t technically started yet, the library was only open until midnight. There was fresh snow covering the ground when we left.

“What are your plans over winter break?” Lavi asked, kicking the fluff.

“I’m going upstate.”

“Oh, for what?”

“To see someone close to me.”

“Interesting…wanna tell me who it is?”

“Not really.”

“Okay, fine.” He pouted. “So, my girlfriend wants to meet you.”

I raised an eyebrow. “You have a girlfriend?”

“Yeah? She wants us to get dinner together sometime. When are you free?”

“Lavi, _you_ have a girlfriend?”

“Yeah, that’s what I said. She’s goes to Barnard.”

“What the fuck.” I shook my head. "Does she know you're a cheating scumbag?" 

“Yeah of course. Do I look like the kind of man that sneaks around?”

“And she’s okay with it?”

“I’m not forcing her to stay with me. I’ve told her that she can break up with me whenever she wants. I’m not really the type of guy to believe in commitments like that. Whether she’s okay with it or not, that’s her business. If she doesn’t like it, she can leave.”

“How long have you guys been together?”

“About three years now? It’s been a while.”

“It seems kind of…” Small snowflakes began to swirl. “I don’t know, cruel?”

“And who the hell are you to lecture me about being cruel, hm?” His tone was cold and piercing.

“Fair.” My breath formed a cloud as it left my mouth. “It sure is fucking cold.” We trudged along in the snow.

“Relationships are kind of useless to me, you know? I mean, they’re fun when they last but that’s all there is to it. Between humans, we can never truly and fully connect with each other. I don’t want to deal with bothersome things. So why deal? Call me a hedonist but I’m just here for a good time. If I’m only going to get to live my life once I want to live it to the absolute fullest. I won’t let anyone, or anything keep me from experiencing as much as I can before I die. If Lenalee wants to date me it’s her own decision. She knows that. She can’t expect me to change my way of life or accommodate her because of a decision she made herself.” He looked straight ahead as he spoke. “I thought you would understand that better than anyone.”

I could understand where he was coming from and maybe on some level I agreed with him. I could care less about making friends or building relationships. The last few years of my life I’d mostly gone through the motions of what was expected of me. I didn’t work hard to make good grades or do well in lacrosse because I wanted to. It was just what I was supposed to do. None of this bothered me. I didn’t make an effort to make friends or acquaintances because it seemed extraneous. But, I also knew that only applied to most _other_ people.

“So, when are you free?” He threw his arm around my shoulder. “C’mon, don’t think so much.”

The suddenness of his movement surprised me. “Maybe sometime next week?”

“Perfect! I’ll let her know.” 

* * *

 

It turns out there were many things I didn’t know about Lavi. For someone who seemed so open, he kept a lot of secrets. His girlfriend’s name was Lenalee. She was beautiful. When I arrived at the restaurant she and Lavi were already there. She was dressed in a flowing black dress. The neckline highlighted her delicate shoulders and collarbones. Around her lovely, slender neck was a soft pearl necklace. Pearl studs peeked through her chin-length bob when she carefully tucked a lock of hair behind her small, white ear. Her eyes sparkled with emotion when she spoke. She wore red lipstick.   

“You must be Kanda! I’m Lenalee.” She placed her hand on top of mine when we shook hands. A gold chain adorned one thin wrist and a jade bangle dressed the other.

"Nice to meet you." 

“It is such a pleasure to meet you. I have heard so much about you from Lavi. I’m so grateful that he has such a wonderful friend like you to keep him in check.”

Keep him in check? “Sure.” 

Lavi rolled his eyes. “Babe, no one can keep me in check.”

The maître d’ led us to a private room in the back of the establishment. The restaurant was very sleek. The walls and floors were made entirely of black marble. Tall, white potted orchids lined the hallway.

The table was set for three. There was a dizzying array of forks, knives, spoons, and other utensils I didn’t even know the name of.

“How do you guys know each other?” I felt it was obligatory for me to ask.

“My brother and his grandfather work very closely.” She took the napkin from the plate and laid it in her lap. “I’m sure you’ve heard of Bookman Capital and Black Order Capital?”

“No.”  They sounded important.

“They are two prominent funds in Chicago. Lavi’s grandfather and my brother are the chairmen of those companies, respectively.” Lenalee had a very dignified way of speaking. She and Lavi were in some respects, a very likely couple, and in others, very odd. “We’ve known each other since we were children.” She smiled brightly. He patted her hand, his face was uncharacteristically sour.

Chicago wasn’t exactly the kind of Midwest I had imagined when Lavi told me he grew up in the Midwest. He technically wasn’t lying, but I thought he meant cornfields and soybeans. I didn’t mention this. “Oh? That sounds…impressive?” This was obviously news to me, but it explained his carefree attitude towards spending money and his lavish lifestyle. Going to an ivy league meant that many of my classmates were very wealthy, it wasn’t that surprising that Lavi came from a wealthy family as well.

“You never told him?”

Lavi was clearly irritated. “Can we talk about something else? This is boring. Kanda, what do you want to drink? Pick a wine, any wine.” He held the beverage menu out to me.

“I don’t really know anything about wine.”

“Right-o,” Lavi retracted his hand and began thumbing through the volume. It had to have at least 20 pages. Lenalee leaned her head against his shoulder to peer at the pages of the book. It was an incredibly innocent yet intimate gesture. They were very comfortable with each other.

“Oh! Let’s get a sparkling rose! I love sparkling rose.” She pointed at something on the page.

“Lena. You know I _hate_ sparkling rose.”

The waiter came into the room. “Is there anything I can start you off with tonight? Wine, champagne?”

“We’ll have this.” Lavi pointed at the menu. “Let’s get a bottle of Dom. Because I’m feeling…cliché.”

“Absolutely. I’ll have that right out for you, sir.”

The waiter didn’t question Lavi’s age. Or Lenalee’s age. Or my age. I didn’t question it either.

I looked at Lavi. This was all news to me. But it explained his carefree attitude towards spending money and his lavish lifestyle. He was inspecting the menu.

The waiter returned with three champagne flutes, a fancy-looking bottle of champagne, and a standing ice bucket. He popped the bottle open and poured champagne in each of the flutes with a flourish. He then placed the bottle in the standing ice bucket next to Lavi. 

“Cheers!”

We touched glasses. Lavi drank the entire glass in one gulp and poured himself another. Even the way Lenalee sipped champagne was elegant. I was in awe by the fluid artistry of her movements. Every movement she made was made with purpose. Lavi noticed me staring at her.

“Kanda. I can’t help but think you’re checking out my girlfriend.”

“What the hell are you talking about.” I snapped.

“I know. You don’t have to be shy. She’s a looker. Don’t be fooled though, Lena’s tits are fake.” He gestured toward his own chest. “Her ass is 100% real though.” He added.

Lenalee slapped Lavi’s arm. “Stop it.”

“We know a great plastic surgeon. If your girlfriend needs any work, we can refer you. Lenalee’s feel totally real.” Lavi reached to squeeze one of her breasts to make his point. “Here you should touch them!” She glared at him.

“Um, no thanks.”  

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding.”

His comment made me uncomfortable. I wasn’t used to hearing a woman described using such vulgar language. Especially by their significant other. Especially in front of said woman. This was a side of Lavi I had never seen before. I probably should have anticipated that this is the kind of person he was based on my previous interactions with him. It was shocking nevertheless.

He poured himself another glass of champagne.

“Lavi can we talk?” She gripped his suit sleeve.

“Huh? Lighten up with the grip, you’ll mess up my Armani.”

“ _Lavi_.”

“Okay, so let’s talk.” She looked at me hesitantly.

“In private.”

He grumbled. “I’m sorry Kanda. _Women,_ am I right? Give us just a minute.” She smiled at me apologetically. He tipped his glass at me as they stepped outside. I heard them walk a few paces away, but because of the marble floors the space acted almost like an amplifier. I could hear every word they said even with the door closed.

“Your grandfather is asking if you’re doing okay. He talked to me the other day because he said he couldn’t reach you.”

Lavi made a sound of displeasure.

“You can’t ignore this forever.”

“Lena, I don’t want to talk about it right now. _We have a guest._ ”

“But you never want to talk about it. We haven’t seen each other in months. I finally see you and-”

“Jesus Christ, are you fucking deaf? I said I don’t want to fucking talk about this!” There was an audible crash. He must have thrown his champagne flute on the ground. I flinched.

“Lavi, calm down. We’re in public.” Her voice was eerily level. As if this were something she had experienced many times before and were used to.

“Fuck! Waiter!” There were quick footsteps approaching and furious apologizing. Why was the waiter apologizing when Lavi was the one who threw his glass on the ground? The whole situation was absurd. “Get me another glass. This one broke.”

When they came back inside, Lenalee’s eyes were downcast. She dabbed her eyes with her napkin when she sat down. Lavi’s face was dark with anger and was completely different than I had ever seen him before.

The waiter scurried back in with a new glass and handed it to Lavi. He exited, closing the door behind him.

A heavy silence filled the room.

“Kanda!” Lavi barked. His face changed into a big smile. “Have more champagne!” He snatched my champagne flute and poured it full to the brim. “Drink!” He filled his own glass and Lenalee’s glass. He looked at Lenalee. “Come on, babe, fix your face! Let’s be friends!” He pinched her cheeks. She swatted his hand away.

I tentatively finished my glass. This champagne was more agreeable than the vodka concoction I had at Lavi’s place the first time.

“Lavi, you’re drunk.” He poured himself another glass and downed that one as well. “Shouldn’t you slow down?”

“So what? It’s Friday.”

The waiter knocked on the door with our appetizers and a small dish of some kind of pickled vegetable. “Here’s the seasonal garden vegetable bisque and this is ginger pickled in lemon juice with saffron and turmeric, compliments of the chef. Mister Lavi and Miss Lee, we are so very honored to have you dining with us tonight.”

Lavi tipped the bottle over his glass. There were just a few sips left.  “This bottle is almost empty. Let’s get another.”

“Lavi, no…”

“Shut up, Lena.” She pressed her lips together in a thin line and clasped her hands together tightly on the table. Her nails were perfectly manicured. The red matched the red of her lipstick.

“Another bottle.”

The waiter took the empty bottle and quickly came back with another

Before long Lavi had finished another two bottles of champagne by himself. He was absolutely belligerent. We had barely made it to the third course of the six-course tasting menu.

“Lavi,” Lenalee lifted him gently. “We’re going home. You’re not okay.” She looked at me, her face was pained. “I’m so sorry Kanda. I hate that you have to see him like this.”

Lavi said something unintelligible.

“It’s ok.”

“Here, please take this to pay the bill. I’m so so sorry.” She handed me Lavi’s credit card. “We’ll keep in touch. Here’s my phone number. Please let me take you out to lunch to make up for this.” She produced a small notepad from her handbag and scribbled her phone number on a sheet of paper. She tore the page off and handed it to me. I took it and thanked her.

I saw them to the entrance. The maître d’ helped Lenalee put on her coat. Her fur coat nearly swallowed of entire body. Only her little white face and hair peeked out of the huge garment. She and the maître d’ worked together to get Lavi into his coat. There was a sleek white car in the roundabout waiting for them. They ducked into the car. Lenalee rolled the window down and waved at me. Lavi’s head was resting in her lap. The gold chain twinkled on her slender wrist. “Have a good night Kanda.” I waved back.

She was probably the most beautiful person I had ever seen in my life. Hell, maybe even the most creature I’d ever seen in this world. Like a perfect work of art. I didn’t know if I would call her. If we had lunch, what would we have to talk about but either Lavi or the uncomfortable events that transpired during dinner? I tried to come up with a logical reason for her being with someone like Lavi. I couldn’t think of any that made sense. There were many things about him that I didn’t understand. I suppose this was just another one of those things.

* * *

 

I didn’t see Lavi through the rest of finals. I slipped his credit card under his door. He must have gotten it because he didn’t ask for it. In fact, he didn’t try to contact me at all. I knew he would be okay. Those with money and influence are rarely aware of the effects of their actions on other people. I was disturbed by his true colors. _If Alma were here he would know exactly what to do._

I saw Allen again on the day of our philosophy exam. We finished around the same time. He exited the room quickly when he saw me turn in my exam. I followed him. By the time I got to the stairs he was already a few levels down. I could see him from the center of the stairwell.

“Allen!”

He looked up. “What do you want?”

“Are you avoiding me?”

“Why would I do that?”

Exasperated, I snapped. “I don’t know? But you’ve been glaring at me for weeks. What the hell is wrong with you?” Perhaps my tone was too aggressive because he immediately looked away and continued to descend the stairs.

“Nothing’s wrong.” He sniffed.

I quickly walked down the steps two-by-two and caught up to him. I grabbed his arm. “What’s wrong with you? You’re acting weird.”

He jerked his arm out of my grasp. “I should be asking _you_ what the hell is wrong with you! Since when do you ask people if they’re okay?”

I shrugged.

“That’s what I fucking thought. Leave me alone.”

“Well, at least let me pay you back. I owe you for the noodles. I hate being indebted to beansprouts.”

Allen stared at me for a second. His eyes examined my face closely. “What are you doing this afternoon.”

“Nothing.” I requested the afternoon off from practice to pack for my trip to see Alma tomorrow morning but most of my things were packed with the exception of toiletries and various other things I needed for tonight.

“You wanna do me a favor?”

“Sure.”

“You’re free this entire afternoon?”

“I guess.”

“Come with me to see my dad.”

“Okay.”

We agreed to meet at the library at noon. He was late. I waited on the steps of the library for half an hour. It was freezing and the sky was overcast. I considered ducking into the library for a bit when I saw a tuft of white hair coming up the stairs.

“Kanda!” Clouds of steam emerged from his lips as he panted. His cheeks were red. “Sorry I’m late!”

“It doesn’t matter to me, but won’t your dad be waiting?”

“So…the thing about my dad. He’s got dementia. He can’t remember anything. I have to go see him every other day when we don’t have a nurse taking care of him. We have her Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday, so I go on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.” That explained his haste leaving after class. “It’s pretty exhausting. But if I don’t go he’ll be alone, you know?”

We started walking toward the subway stop. Soft snow crunched beneath our shoes. Walking next to him, I realized just how much shorter than me he was.

“His nursing home is on Staten Island.”

“Okay.”

“You still wanna go?”

“I said I would.”

“Okay. Cool.” There was a small smile on his lips. He seemed happy.

We took line 1 all the way to the South Ferry. Allen also liked to talk a lot. On the train, I listened to him tell me about his dad.  

“We’re from London originally. He came here as a performer. It was rough at first. We were living on the streets.”

“How did you end up here?”

“New York City?”

“No, this school?”

Allen snorted. “What kind of question is that? I studied my butt off! What do you think?”

“Oh.”

“I didn’t really have much of a choice either. I had to go to a good school that would pay for my education. Most public schools don’t give many scholarships and I wouldn’t be able to afford to go to college if I didn’t have one.” He sighed. “To be honest, I feel pretty inadequate compared to the other students.”

I listened quietly.

“They’re all…rich and stuff. I feel out of place. They know about all these things that I never even knew existed. When I first came here, I went to a really fancy dinner with the rest of the scholarship recipients and the table had more plates, forks, knives, and spoons than I’d ever seen in my life!” I noticed that he spoke animatedly with his hands. It reminded me of Alma. “I had no idea how to eat! I knew everyone at the table was judging me. They were probably wondering how a low-class guy like me snuck in. It was really embarrassing.”  

“Sounds like you belong here more than anyone else I know. Hell, even I got here on favors.”

“Favors?”

“My guardian’s a professor here.”

“Your guardian?”

“I don’t live with my parents. It’s a long story.”

“I see…I haven’t lived with my parents for a while either. My foster dad was kind of a monster though.” He laughed to himself.

“Anyway, I think you deserve to be here more than any of us.”

“You think so?”

“Sure.”

“Gee, that’s really nice of you to say.”

I looked at the subway map overhead. “I think our stop is next.”

“Oh! You’re right!” Allen stood up with the bag he had set between his feet during the train ride. “Where’s my ferry ticket…”

We arrived just in time for the next ferry and quickly embarked the boat. Though the ride was short, it was uncomfortable due to the lack of an indoor seating area. The cold wind was amplified greatly by the water. The nursing home was located just a few blocks away from the ferry dock close to the shoreline. The receptionist at the nursing home had short black hair and sleepy eyes. Her eyes were a very unusual gold color. I had never seen eyes of that color before.

“Here to see your dad again?”

“Yep.”

“You brought a friend?" She scribbled something down onto a clipboard. "That’s rare. My name is Rhode. I’m one of the nurses here. Nice to meet you!” Her smile was child-like. She didn’t seem like she could have been older than a teenager. “Well let’s go this way.”

“Kanda.” I shook her hand. She led us down the hall.

“How was dad over the weekend? He wasn’t eating on Friday when I left.” Allen ran his hand through his hair. “Did he eat?”

“He did. Just a bit. He was asking about Neah again.”

“Of course he was.”

“He made a great racket the other day. I think he was very confused about where he was. He kept saying that he needed to go home and that Neah was waiting for him.”

Allen sighed. “Jeez.”

We stopped in front of a white door. There was a plaque that read “Walker, Mana” on the door.

She knocked on the door. “Mister Walker! We’re coming in!”

Inside was an older man with greying hair. He didn’t look old enough to be suffering from an illness like dementia. Illnesses truly took all forms. His back was turned to us when we walked inside. He stood like a statue focused on something outside his window. He turned around when he heard the door shut.

“Ah! Neah!” He rushed to Allen and took his hand in his own. Allen dropped the bag he was holding onto the floor. Two large, red apples rolled out of the bag. “You came to take me home. I don’t know what’s going on…no one here will let me leave. I don’t understand.”

“Dad, it’s me, Allen. Not Neah.”

The man immediately dropped Allen’s hand. “What? Who is Allen? Who are you?!” His voice grew increasingly panicked. “Who are you?! Where’s Neah?”

“Dad, calm down.”

“I don’t know you. I don’t know who you are!”

I watched silently from the door. I

“Dad! It’s me! Allen! I’m your son!” Allen tried to grab his hands but the man furiously wrestled him away.

“I don’t know you! You’re lying! I don’t have a son! Get away from me!” Suddenly, he raised his hand and struck Allen across the face.

Rhode groaned and approached the frantic man. “Mister Walker I’m going to have to give you an injection.” She pushed him to the ground roughly and sat on top of him with his arm twisted behind his back.

The man struggled and screamed.

“Relax. This will only hurt a bit.” She was surprisingly strong, and she held him down with just her strength alone. In her pocket was a syringe. This must have been a regular occurrence. She nimbly administered the injection into his arm. After a brief moment, he stopped struggling. Rhode got off the motionless man. “Allen, help me move him to the bed.”

Allen’s face was damp. There was a red splotch on his cheek. He bent down and lifted the man by his armpits. Rhode lifted his legs. They placed him on his hospital bed.

“Has it been like this all weekend?”

“Pretty much.”

I recovered the apples that had rolled out of the bag and sat in a chair in the corner of the room with the bag placed on my lap. Outside, the clouds had broken slightly and there was a small beam of sunlight shining through the window.

Rhode placed a hand gently on Allen's shoulder. “I’m going to go. Let me know when he wakes up.” Allen nodded in response. “It was nice to meet you!” She waved at me and exited the room.

Allen slumped onto the chair by the bed. “This really sucks.”

I have never been good at consoling people. I racked my brain for appropriate responses to the events that had just transpired.

“I’m sure that was shocking for you. I’m sorry, Kanda.”

“No, don’t worry about it.” Was the best thing I could come up with.

“He’s been like this for a few years now.” Allen was staring at his father’s sleeping face. “It’s hard.”

I nodded.

“I love him to death, y’know? I just wish there was something I could do. I know he’s going to die with this disease and all I can do is sit here and watch him die. It really sucks.” He heaved a large sigh. “He’ll eventually come to. He’s always startled at first. Then he’ll remember what’s going on. Kind of.”

I wasn’t sure if I really knew but nodded anyway. Allen pulled his chair closer to his father’s bedside and held his father’s hand. The man didn’t stir. I was reminded of the many times I visited Alma while he was asleep. I wondered if Allen felt the same kind of helplessness and desperation I felt at the time. I so vividly remember thinking that there couldn’t be anyone else in the entire world who ever felt as sad, as alone, as hopeless as I did in those moments with Alma. However, in this moment, perhaps Allen felt the same way. I couldn’t think of a good way to tell him that there were other people in this world who understood his feelings, so I didn’t.

The man made a sound. “Oh, Allen…it’s you.” His eyes blinked open. Allen tightened his grip on his hand.

“Hey, dad.”

“My dear boy,” He reached his other hand and pat Allen’s hair. “You look a bit different.”

“Do I?”

“What happened to your cheek?” He touched his cheek. Allen winced. "Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind”, indeed.

“Oh, it’s nothing.” His father made a worried face.

“Dad I want you to meet my friend from school.” Allen gestured for me to come over. I rose and walked to his bedside. “This is Kanda.”

“A friend from school!" The man couldn't have been older than fifty. He smiled at me brightly. They had the same smile. "That’s wonderful. How lovely. You can call me Mana, young man." He turned to face Allen. "You’re in school now?”

“Yes, remember? I got into that school?”

“That’s fantastic, my dear boy.” His voice was tinged with confusion. “In school now…” He muttered. “You two are in the same class?” He asked me.

I nodded. “Philosophy.”

“That’s lovely. I’m so glad you’ve made friends, Allen. It’s good for you to be around people.” He patted Allen’s hand. “You’re always working so hard, Allen.” He smiled.

I looked at Allen. He was staring at his father’s hands. “Yes.”

“Why didn't you tell me you were in school before? You know I always want to hear about how my dear boy is doing.”

“I do tell you, dad, you just don't remember.”

“Allen…”

“Dad, I brought you some apples. I’ll go wash them.”

“Let me-“ I started.

“No.” Allen quickly interrupted. “I-I need some air.” He stood up and took the apples with him.

I stood for a moment at the foot of the bed before sitting down in the chair at Mana’s side.

“That boy…” Mana gazed at the door. “That boy never talks to anyone about his troubles. I can never tell what he’s thinking.” The man looked at me. “Allen is always trying to take care of everything on his own.” He paused for a moment. “Tell me, is Allen happy?”

“I guess he’s doing well.” I didn't really know too much about his feelings myself. 

"How old his he now?" 

"18." 

“18 already…”

“Yes.”

“This disease…sometimes I feel like I’ve failed as a father. I know there are things I have done in my confused state that have hurt Allen.”

I didn’t mention the events from earlier.

He paused for another moment. “I had a twin brother. We were very close. He became estranged from my mother and left our family after that. I was incredibly devastated. In my desperation I followed him to America. Allen was just a boy at the time. It was very selfish of me. He has lived a very hard life. In my memory, Allen as a small child. I am always quite startled to see him all grown up.” He sighed. “I hope he isn’t upset. I know there are so many things that he has told me that I simply do not have the ability to remember. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to remember him growing up. In fact, I know it is very upsetting to him. I haven’t been there for him.” He reached his hand out to touch mine. I didn’t try to pull it away. “So, thank you for being his friend.”

I nodded.

He laughed quietly. “You’re very kind for listening to an old man ramble. I appreciate it very much. I never know when I’ll start to forget what’s happening. It could happen at any moment. It’s very hard for Allen. I have a request for you.”

“Go ahead.”

“Will you please continue to look after him and be kind to him?”

“I’ll try my best.”

He laid his head back down on his pillow. “Thank you.” 

We both heard the doorknob turn. Allen came in with a plate of apples cut into slices. I stood up and let him sit in his chair. Allen pulled a small table from beneath the hospital bed and set the plate down.

“Please eat. Rhode said you’ve been difficult for the past few days.”

“Is that so? How horrible.”

“Please just try to get along." Mana took a slice of apple. "Speaking of which, I completely forgot to call her in. Kanda, will you fetch Rhode for me?”

“Sure.” I could use a walk. The atmosphere in the room was very heavy. The hallway outside seemed dimmer compared to when we first arrived. I took note of the familiar medicinal smell of the facility and the reflection of the halogen lights overhead on pristine linoleum floors. When I arrived at the front desk, Rhode was on the phone with someone. She looked up at me when she saw me at the desk and placed her hand over the receiver.

“He’s awake?” She mouthed.

“Yeah.”

“Be right there.”

It was a long day. I could see the harbor and snow along the bank through the windows lining the hallway. The sky had begun to darken. It was getting late. We bid Mana and Rhode goodnight just before sundown so we could catch the very last ferry back to Manhattan. Mana saw us off. Allen’s face remained somber throughout the duration of our commute back to school. We sat across from each other on the subway. Squished between two other people, he looked so small and frail. He didn’t say a single word to me.  

“Is this why you’ve been leaving right after class?”

“Yeah.”

I felt somewhat relieved that it wasn’t because of something that I had done or said. I was aware that I wasn’t the nicest person in the world but I liked to maintain an acceptable relationship with the people with whom I was acquainted.

When we returned to campus I offered to walk him to his dorm building. He happily obliged. The night was cold but the clouds had completely cleared and we could see the moon shining brightly above us. The snow was hard beneath our feet.

“Thanks for coming today. Going there by myself is really gloomy. I know I wasn’t in the best mood, but I just want you to know that I really appreciated it. I’m happy that you came.”

“Yeah, sure.”

We stared at each other awkwardly for a moment before I remembered that my bus was tomorrow morning.

"Um..." 

In the flurry, I completely forgotten about seeing Alma. "Beansprout."

He looked at me expectantly.

"I have to go." 

“Oh! Okay.”

“I have to catch a bus tomorrow morning.”

“Where are you going?”

“Upstate.”

“When are you getting back?”

“Not until the end of break.”

“Oh.” He fidgeted a bit. My fingers and toes were getting cold from standing in the snow. I wanted to go back to my room and finish packing my things. “Well, I’ll see you in the spring then.”

He nodded, which I took to mean I was free to leave.

“Have a happy holiday! Don’t be a scrooge!” He added right as I turned my back.

I snorted. “Alright, beansprout, you too.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay for kanda and allen becoming better friends and kanda and lavi also? becoming? better? friends?  
> Thanks for reading! Drop a comment if you'd like!


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